I caught myself doing it again last Friday.

A woman walked past me in the coffee shop wearing athleisure head to toe—full matching set, pristine white sneakers, hair in a perfectly messy bun. And before I could stop it, my brain served up: "Of course she has time to look like that. Must be nice not having a real job."

I don't even know this woman. I have zero information about her life. For all I know, she's a surgeon on her day off, a night shift worker heading home, or someone who picked the only clean clothes left in her closet. But my brain filled in an entire narrative in approximately 0.3 seconds, and not a flattering one.

The worst part? I consider myself a fairly self-aware, empathetic person. I work on personal growth. I read books about compassion. And yet here I am, internally criticizing a complete stranger for... having the audacity to wear workout clothes to get coffee.

If you've ever had a similar moment—that flash of judgment followed by the immediate shame of catching yourself—you know what I'm talking about. We're all doing this. Some of us are just more honest about it than others.

We're All Mrs. Judgy (And Pretending Otherwise Doesn't Help)

The thing no one wants to admit about being judgmental is that it's not something bad people do. It's something everyone does. Your most enlightened friend does it. The Dalai Lama probably does it (though presumably less often and with more awareness than the rest of us). It's a feature of how human brains work, not a personal failing.

Our brains are pattern-recognition machines designed to make quick assessments for survival. Is this person a threat? Are they part of my group or not? Do they follow the same rules I follow? These snap judgments kept our ancestors alive.

The problem is that modern life rarely requires this kind of instant categorization, but our brains keep doing it anyway. So we end up judging the mom who lets her kid have screen time at a restaurant. The colleague who leaves at 5 PM sharp every day. The friend who chose a different career path. The neighbor whose parenting style differs from ours.

None of these judgments serve us. They don't make us safer, smarter, or better. They just create distance between us and other people, while simultaneously making us feel superior (briefly) and then terrible (immediately after).

The first step to actually changing this pattern is admitting it exists. Not "I used to be judgmental but I've grown past it." Not "I'm only judgmental about important things." Just: I judge people. Regularly. Often unfairly. And it's a problem I'm working on.

What Our Judgments Actually Reveal (Hint: It's Not About Them)

Here's where it gets uncomfortable.

Every judgment you make is a mirror. It's showing you something about yourself—your insecurities, your values, your unresolved issues, your secret fears about how others perceive you.

When I judged that woman in athleisure, what was I really reacting to? The truth is probably that I feel insecure about not having a consistent exercise routine. I feel guilty about not "taking care of myself" the way I think I should. I worry that other people can see I'm not prioritizing health and fitness. So when I see someone who appears to have that together, my brain gets defensive and finds a way to knock her down a peg.

It's not about her. It never was.

Think about the judgments you make most frequently. What pattern emerges?

Do you judge people for spending money on things you consider frivolous? Maybe you're anxious about your own financial situation or bitter about not being able to afford those things.

Do you judge parents who do things differently than you would? Maybe you're insecure about your own parenting choices and need to validate yourself by finding fault in theirs.

Do you judge people who seem less ambitious in their careers? Maybe you're questioning whether your own ambition is worth the sacrifice it requires.

Do you judge people who share too much on social media? Maybe you're uncomfortable with vulnerability and wish you could be more open but don't know how.

Our harshest judgments almost always point back to our own stuff. The things we criticize in others are often the things we're struggling with ourselves—either because we have the same behavior and hate it, or because we desperately want what they have and resent them for it.

This isn't about self-blame. It's about getting curious about what your judgment is trying to tell you about your inner landscape.

The Hidden Cost of Constant Judgment

Being judgmental doesn't just affect the people we're judging (who often have no idea we're doing it). It affects us.

Judgment creates a constant background hum of negativity. You walk through the world noticing what's wrong with everything and everyone rather than what's interesting, valuable, or beautiful. The colleague who asks too many questions in meetings becomes an annoyance rather than someone who's thorough. The friend who talks about her problems becomes draining rather than someone who trusts you enough to be vulnerable.

Over time, this erodes your relationships. People can sense when they're being judged, even if you never say anything out loud. They feel less safe around you. They share less. They trust you less. They pull away.

It also erodes your relationship with yourself. Because here's the thing: if you're constantly judging everyone around you, you're definitely judging yourself. The internal critic that tears apart strangers at the coffee shop is even harsher when it turns inward.

The judgment loop works both ways. We judge others to feel better about ourselves, but then we judge ourselves for being judgmental, which makes us feel worse, which makes us more defensive and judgmental. It's exhausting.

And perhaps most damaging: judgment closes you off from learning and growth. When you've already decided someone is "too emotional" or "not ambitious enough" or "shallow," you stop being curious about them. You stop asking questions. You stop considering that they might have something valuable to teach you or a perspective worth understanding.

Judgment is a wall we build between ourselves and the rest of the world. It might feel protective, but mostly it just makes us lonely.

What Actually Helps (Beyond "Just Be More Empathetic")

Most advice about being less judgmental boils down to "practice empathy" and "be kinder," which is about as helpful as telling someone with insomnia to "just relax." Technically true, but not actionable.

Here's what's actually helped me (with the caveat that I'm still very much a work in progress):

Notice the Thought, Name It, Let It Pass

You can't stop judgmental thoughts from arising. Your brain is going to brain. But you can notice when it happens.

When a judgmental thought appears, try saying to yourself: "I'm having a judgmental thought." Not "I'm a judgmental person" (which triggers shame and defensiveness), just "I'm having a thought."

Then get curious: What am I really reacting to here? What about this person or situation is triggering me?

You don't have to fix it or make it go away. Just notice it, acknowledge it, and let it pass rather than building an entire narrative around it.

This sounds simple, but it's surprisingly powerful. The act of naming the judgment creates separation between you and the thought. It's happening to you, not because of you.

Fill in the Story Differently

Our brains are going to create narratives about other people whether we want them to or not. So instead of trying to stop the story-making, practice making more generous stories.

The person who cut you off in traffic isn't a selfish jerk—maybe they're rushing to the hospital. Maybe they didn't see you. Maybe they're having the worst day of their life.

The colleague who seems standoffish isn't rude—maybe they're dealing with a sick parent. Maybe they're neurodivergent and social interaction is exhausting for them. Maybe they're just shy.

The friend who cancels plans last minute isn't flaky—maybe they're managing depression. Maybe they're overwhelmed. Maybe they realized they overcommitted and are trying to protect their wellbeing.

You don't know. None of us ever really know what someone else is dealing with.

This isn't about being naive or making excuses for genuinely harmful behavior. It's about extending the same benefit of the doubt you'd want extended to you on your worst day.

Actively Look for What You Admire

This is the practice that's changed things most for me, as cliché as it sounds.

When you catch yourself judging someone, immediately pivot to finding something—anything—you admire or appreciate about them or their situation.

The colleague who asks too many questions? They're thorough and not afraid to admit what they don't understand. That takes confidence.

The friend who shares everything on social media? They're willing to be vulnerable and authentic, even knowing they'll be judged for it. That takes courage.

The parent with the loud kid at the restaurant? They're not letting public perception stop them from living their life. They're prioritizing their family's needs over strangers' comfort. That takes strength.

This isn't about forcing yourself to love everything about everyone. It's about training your brain to look for the good with the same energy it currently uses to catalog the bad.

Expand Your World (Literally)

The original article mentioned travel, and while I initially thought that was an odd inclusion, it's actually onto something important.

Judgment thrives in homogeneity. When everyone around you lives similarly, thinks similarly, and makes similar choices, it's easy to believe your way is not just your way but the way. Anyone who deviates becomes suspect.

Exposure to different ways of living—through travel, through diverse friendships, through consuming media from different perspectives, through literally any way you can expand beyond your bubble—fundamentally changes how judgment works in your brain.

It's harder to judge someone for being "too loud" when you've spent time in cultures where expressiveness is valued. It's harder to judge someone for their career choices when you've met people who define success completely differently than you do. It's harder to judge parenting styles when you've seen that healthy, happy kids come from all kinds of homes.

You don't need to travel internationally (though it helps). You just need to regularly encounter people who don't share your exact background, values, and life circumstances. Read memoirs by people unlike you. Listen to podcasts featuring perspectives you don't normally hear. Have conversations with people outside your usual circles.

Judgment dissolves in the presence of genuine understanding and connection.

Write It Down (But Not for the Reason You Think)

I initially dismissed journaling as navel-gazing. But I tried it for a month, and it revealed patterns I never would have noticed otherwise.

Turns out, I judge people most harshly around appearance and lifestyle choices—specifically, people who appear to have more time, money, or leisure than I do. Every single judgment in that category traced back to my own guilt about working too much and not "living my best life."

I barely judge people's professional choices or career paths because I feel confident in that area of my life. I judge people for being "fake" on social media because I'm uncomfortable with how much I curate my own online presence (yes, we marketing professionals, have our struggles as well!).

The journaling didn't make the judgments disappear. But it made the pattern so obvious that I couldn't unsee it. And once you see the pattern, you can start addressing the underlying issue instead of just beating yourself up about the symptom.

Get Comfortable with "I Don't Know"

So much judgment stems from assuming we know things we couldn't possibly know. We see a sliver of someone's life and think we understand the whole picture.

Practicing "I don't know" as a default response has been surprisingly freeing.

"I wonder why she made that choice. I don't know what factors she's considering."

"That seems like an unusual approach. I don't know what her reasoning is."

"He's handling this differently than I would. I don't know what his priorities are."

"I don't know" leaves room for curiosity. It prevents the narrative-building that turns observation into judgment.

This Doesn't Make You a Better Person (Just a Less Exhausting One)

I want to be clear about something: Working on being less judgmental isn't about becoming morally superior or winning some kind of personal development award.

It's about reducing the constant low-grade stress of walking through the world cataloging everyone's faults. It's about having more energy for things that actually matter because you're not wasting it on internal commentary about strangers. It's about building better relationships because people feel safer and more accepted around you.

Also, selfishly, it's about turning down the volume on your own self-criticism. Because the voice that judges other people mercilessly is the same voice that judges you. Softening it externally softens it internally.

I'm not less judgmental than I used to be because I'm a better person now. I'm less judgmental because I'm tired of living with that constant background noise. I'm tired of creating distance between myself and other people. I'm tired of missing out on connections because I decided someone wasn't worth knowing based on a single data point.

It's not virtuous. It's just pragmatic.

The Work Is Never Done (And That's Fine)

Here's the part where I'm supposed to wrap this up neatly and tell you how much better my life is now that I've conquered judgment.

Except I haven't conquered it. Not even close.

Just yesterday, I caught myself judging a friend for yet another dating app story that ended predictably badly. My immediate thought was "When is she going to learn?" followed immediately by shame for having that thought, followed by defensiveness about the shame.

The difference now is that I notice it happening faster. I catch myself mid-judgment more often than I used to. I can laugh at my brain for being dramatic about someone's workout clothes. I can acknowledge the judgment without spiraling into self-flagellation about being a terrible person.

The goal isn't to never judge. The goal is to reduce the harm judgment does—to others and to yourself. To catch it more quickly. To be curious about what it reveals. To choose a different story when you can.

Some days you'll be better at this than others. That's okay. You're not trying to achieve perfection. You're trying to be slightly less of an asshole to yourself and others than you were yesterday.

That's enough.

That's actually pretty good.