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Self-sabotage in our relationships often passes unnoticed, and we pay little attention to it. It is a behavior in which we hinder our success, consciously or unconsciously. It is as if we ourselves put obstacles in our way, preventing the achievement of our goals.

According to psychology, self-sabotage can stem from insecurities, fears, or past traumas and create barriers to healthy communication and connection with others.

Why are we doing this?

The reasons leading to self-sabotage are varied and may include:

Fear of success: We may fear that success will bring greater responsibilities, change us as individuals, or require us to deal with greater commitments and obligations.

Low self-esteem: We may think we're not good enough to succeed; hence, we don't deserve success and believe we will ultimately fail.

Effort to confirm our negative beliefs: We may have negative beliefs about ourselves and look for evidence to confirm them, the so-called confirmation bias.

Fear of failure: Paradoxically, we may be so afraid of failure that we cause situations that lead us to it, aka we fall into the trap of self-fulfilling prophecy.

Defenses: We may use self-sabotage as a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from the pain of frustration.

How Does Self-sabotage Manifest?

Even if it is not noticed easily, there are ways that self-sabotage can manifest itself, including:

1. Fear of intimacy

The fear of getting too close emotionally to others can cause us to avoid connecting with our partner. Fear of rejection or emotional exposure is often the cause. According to research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, people who fear intimacy tend to develop defense mechanisms that undermine their relationships.

2. Excessive self-criticism

Constant self-criticism can lower our self-esteem, leading us to believe we do not deserve love. Research shows that people with low self-esteem tend to sabotage their relationships by projecting their insecure feelings onto their partner.

3. Procrastination in critical conversations

Avoiding critical conversations can create accumulated problems, later becoming obstacles in the relationship. This postponement shows a lack of confidence and a fear of dealing with problems.

4. Tendency for drama

Unconsciously creating conflict can be a way to avoid intimacy or affirm our insecurities. Research from the American Psychological Association shows that creating dramatic situations can be a form of self-defense when we fear rejection.

5. Conflict avoidance

Fear of conflict can cause us to avoid expressing our true feelings, which can create distance. Lack of communication is one of the most common causes of relationship failure.

6. Perfectionism

The need for everything to look perfect can sabotage the natural flow of the relationship. Research shows that the obsession with perfection is associated with stress and pressure in our relationships.

7. Doubt and jealousy

Excessive jealousy and doubts towards the partner can lead to tension and distancing. Research shows that jealousy stems from a lack of self-confidence and can erode trust within the relationship.

In order to be able to deal with self-sabotage, it’s essential to cultivate and develop self-awareness and opt for better communication with others, which are the first steps to building balanced and meaningful connections.