Have you ever found yourself feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or disappointed by the behavior of a person or situation without understanding what the actual problem is?

It may be because of the lack of boundaries that you haven’t successfully set.

Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and, consequently, the only way to maintain a healthy life. Setting and sustaining boundaries is actually a skill. Unfortunately, many of us don’t learn it’s a skill, and, therefore, it seems complicated for us to set them correctly.

What Are Healthy Boundaries?

In general, we can define healthy boundaries as those set to make sure we are mentally and emotionally stable. According to scientists, our boundaries may be either rigid, loose, or somewhere in the middle. Still, a complete lack of boundaries may indicate the absence of strong identity as well as self-esteem.

Healthy boundaries can help establish their identity and define what they want, what they don’t like, what they tolerate, and what they don’t. While boundaries are often psychological or emotional, boundaries can also be physical. For example, declining physical contact from a co-worker sets a critical boundary, one that’s just as vital as setting an emotional boundary. Asking that same co-worker not to make unreasonable demands on your time or emotions.

According to Dr. Dana Gionta, “Having healthy boundaries means knowing and understanding what your limits are.”

But, how is it possible to set and, then, maintain healthy boundaries?

Identify your limits

If you cannot identify your limits and your needs, you won’t set your boundaries. Those limits are emotional, mental as well as physical. Find what you can tolerate and accept, and what makes you feel stressed or uncomfortable. Your feelings towards different actions and behaviors will guide you.

Tune into your feelings.

According to Dr. Gionta, two critical feelings in others are “red flags” that we are letting go of our boundaries: discomfort and resentment. She suggested thinking of these feelings on a scale from one to 10. Six to 10 is in the higher zone. Suppose during an interaction or situation, you find yourself being in the highest zone of the scale. In that case, you should ask yourself why this is happening and what causes this.

Resentment usually “comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.” According to her, it’s also a common sign that we’re pushing ourselves either beyond our limits because we feel guilty, or someone else is imposing their expectations, views, or values. “When someone acts in a way that makes you feel tense, that’s a hint that your boundaries are crossed or violated.

Be direct.

Maintaining healthy boundaries with some people does not require direct and precise dialogue. This is about people who are similar in their boundaries, styles, personalities, or midset. Their approach to life is equal. However, if our approach to life with other people is not similar, setting and expressing your boundaries is more complicated. Therefore, you will have to be more direct about them.

Some other times you might need to be direct. For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become a boundary issue, Gionta said. Partners might need to talk about how much time they need to maintain their sense of self and how much time to spend together.

Give yourself permission.

Some potential problems are fear, self-doubt, and guilt. It often happens to be afraid if we try to set our boundaries of what the other person will think. We may feel guilty if we say no to our friends and family or if we don’t take the extra project at work. Sometimes, we even wonder if we need to set boundaries for the people close to us.

Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-esteem and respect. Therefore, you need to give yourself permission to them and try hard to preserve them.

Practice self-awareness.

As we mentioned above, boundaries are all about focusing on your feelings and respect them. Find yourself not maintaining your own boundaries, you should ask yourself what you are doing now and the situation that makes you feel stressed. Then, try and explain what you are going to do with the problem.

Make self-care a priority.

To be able to maintain healthy boundaries, you should learn how to make yourself a priority. Once we do this, our need to set boundaries becomes more substantial and more intense. Self-care is a part of recognizing your feelings and respecting them. These feelings serve as “essential data about our wellbeing and about what makes us happy and what makes us unhappy.

Putting yourself first also gives you the energy, positive attitude, and mindset to take care of others and maintain. When we feel better, we can also be better people, wife, mother, co-worker, and friend.

Seek support.

If you’re having a hard time with boundaries, seek some support, whether it’s professional support or—just some good friends. Consider seeking support through resources, too. There are plenty of books that will help you find the support you need.

Be decisive.

However, it is not enough to create boundaries; we actually have to follow through. We actually still expect others to know what hurts us, according to Gionta. Since they don’t, it’s essential to assertively communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a boundary. Respectfully, it is crucial to let others know that they are bothering you and that you can work together to be able to address it.

One step at a time.

Like any new skill, communicating your boundaries needs practice. A good idea would be to start with a small boundary that doesn’t seem to threaten you and then move on to more meaningful and “difficult” boundaries. Setting boundaries is not an easy process. It needs time, strength, and awareness of our needs and sources of stress.

References

10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries